Nice try, NASA
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
There’s no “u” in narcissist
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
🤔😂😂
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,