GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.