GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff