GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Meanwhile in Canada…
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Stop being racist to kettles.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?