god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case