god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!