“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
yes… yes…
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣