“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Follow me for more life hacks.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.