God, I love Scotland
You Might Also Like
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
road rage
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
$3 #books
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it