My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither