Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
See..?
.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Cndnsd Mlk
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”