God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.