🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
watergate? u mean a dam??
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
How does one answer this?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.