“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
New tinder profile pic
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.