doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn