Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.