@yonewt: God I'm so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@GinAndJif: Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
@ashmensch: [Juice Bar] (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir" *hyenas laugh*
@poizngrl: The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room