@yonewt: God I'm so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
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@laurenmacdonald: Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
@deardilettante: [hits you in the face with newspaper] "Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars."
@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
@snowmedia: My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"