Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
You Might Also Like
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Sex so good you see dead people.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart