My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath