[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Genius idea!!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do