[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
You Might Also Like
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Pikachu found the lost joint
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Good morning y’all ☀️
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
OKAY DAD