[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Body by sandwich.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Social distancing in Australia:
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
pat pat
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD