[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
somewhere, in an alternate universe
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport