{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Just grow your own
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.