{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.