*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
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Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Check your privilege
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little