*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.