GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
britain’s three elite institutions
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library