“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Become ungovernable.
Interior design 👌
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]