@TheTweetOfGod: "God is good all the time!" Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@JohnLemongrab: "open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"
@Crutnacker: Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote "Nukes" on it Obama: Joe! Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed