“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok