I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.