[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Go hard or stay average
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Had an epiphany today.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF