GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The days of good grammer has went
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.