GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.