God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
couldn’t resist
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Boom, boom, ching!
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’