God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
jesus christ confetti not now
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.