My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.