#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine