*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*cough*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once