[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.