[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!