Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
You Might Also Like
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
bad news gang
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder