I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.