[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.