God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I feel attacked.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!