@meganamram: God making man in his image was the original selfie
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@XplodingUnicorn: My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
@Kendragarden: The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
@slimmy_shady: Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.