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@meganamram: God making man in his image was the original selfie
@KeetPotato: [my first day as hand dryer salesman]
"this robot dries your hands with noise"
@JoeMande: "Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory." - NBA players to their interior designers
@djdarrellripley: 9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
@Sickayduh: "We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you're gonna be the one to do it"
"Nailed it. Next state."
@Zombieionism: I like to diffuse situations with humornnnnnnnnnAnd a machete