[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before