[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”