[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.