Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
😆this is so true
For the orator and chef in all of us
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Employees must applaud the planets.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”